A sex therapist and psychotherapist tells about the causes of erectile dysfunction and how to overcome them.
Increase potency, or where does "male power" go?
The internet and television are flooded with advertisements for "miraculous" pills and potions that promise to restore "male power" and get rid of erectile dysfunction. And supply, as we know, is born of demand. What happened - why did the men "spoil"? Internet and social networks have proven to be "more interesting" than living women? Or maybe the ladies themselves are to blame for the fact that their gentlemen have less and less desire to be a man, as well as the desire to fulfill this desire?
A well-known sexologist-psychotherapist answered these and other questions to our correspondent.
If a man is not interested in a particular woman and in sex life in general, he comes to impotence. . . Is it right?
- The term "impotence" is excluded from the world classification of diseases and replaced by the term "erectile dysfunction". Nevertheless, the word "impotence" is still common in everyday life. The literal translation means "no power". For men, this is a very important area of life. And if there are failures, then in almost all cases, regardless of the main reasons, there is also a mental component. Men only see the symptom, the result. And they refer to the loss of erection or its weakening in the process of sexual intimacy. Of course, as a rule, an emotional component joins these complaints. A man can suffer from anxiety and even depression. Whatever women think of men, in fact, they all want to be successful not only at work, but also in their personal lives.
Now, we talk a lot about impotence "rejuvenates". Is it true?
- I have 16 years of practice in the profession, and I can rely not only on statistics, but also on my own observations. Indeed, during the last 10 - 15 years, we can note a decrease in the average age of our patients. More and more young people are present. At the beginning of my career, the average age of patients was 40 years old, now it is 35 years old.
When a man "can't and won't", what is to blame in the first place: physiology, psychology or maybe social factors?
- There is usually no single reason. When communicating with a patient, I try to understand his lifestyle - how are his emotions, is he getting enough sleep, is he having a midlife crisis? What are his attitudes in the intimate sphere, what is the behavior of the partner? After all, for example, a woman who does not know how to seduce, but only demands the fulfillment of "marital duty", is often one of the causes of psychogenic erectile dysfunction. Often in practice there is a syndrome of anxious expectation of sexual failure. In this state, a man fixes on failure, and the next time he is already waiting for it. Sex becomes a test for him. And if a woman voluntarily or involuntarily "adds fuel to the fire", a sexual neurosis is formed. And the man adopts an "avoidance behavior". Some clash with work or alcohol. Some - subconsciously cause quarrels with their wives, so the idea of intimacy would seem absurd. Confused men sometimes choose different means instead of going to the doctor. And aggravate the problem and relations with a partner, a woman. And it's not far from divorce. Some go to a urologist because of illiteracy, but it is necessary - to a sex therapist.
Not "can" or "won't"?Women are often tormented by a question: what is more important - "can't" or "won't"?
- As they say, one does not interfere with the other - you can "unwilling" and "cannot" at the same time. But it's important to remember that an erection is primarily a clear indicator of "I want to", not "I can". But even this "need" is not unlimited. Much depends on the sexual constitution, that is, on the temperament of the man.
Is it true that men themselves often do not notice the problem or even accuse the woman of wanting "too much" from him?
- You can demand compliments and eroticism from a man - for example, kisses, gentle caresses. And the erection does not obey the will. Neither the will of a woman, nor the will of a man. As soon as the word or thought "should" arises, that's the start of the road to a dead end.
More and more they talk about the impact of stress on a modern man - is it really so terrible for the intimate sphere?
- Certainly. Nature is against design in a stressful situation. And reduces the degree of attraction by hormonal mechanisms. Stress levels increase - the level of the anti-stress hormone prolactin rises, which in turn suppresses the production of testosterone, the hormone responsible for sexual desire in both men and women. As a result, the disactualization of the sexual sphere occurs.
The main woman is the mother.It is said that a man's ability to "be a man" depends on his upbringing and the type of relationship he has with his mother - is that true?
- Without a doubt ! The first prototype of a woman for a boy is a mother. It is she who lays the foundation for relations with the opposite sex. Any woman who wants happiness for her child, especially a boy, should breastfeed him for at least the first year after birth. It is during this period that a positive and negative, open or suspicious attitude towards the female sex is formed. Mom is first and foremost a woman. And if the family is not complete and the mother tries to play the role of both parents, the child will not see either feminine or masculine behavior as a result. . . And therefore, his experience of communication with the opposite sex can be negative. And it's a direct path to isolation, disappointment. . . Moreover, the isolation may not be literal, but emotional. For example, a man can change partners endlessly, remaining alone. In sexology, this is called promiscuity, that is, promiscuity without the possibility of establishing deep emotional relationships. Therefore, if a person dreams of creating a strong and happy family, then these situations require careful study.
What are the most common mistakes made by mothers raising boys?
- The boy must see an example of male behavior. If not in the family, then in the sports section. In the end, there are uncles, grandfathers. But ideally, of course, there should be a father whom the boy's mother loves. Excessive tutelage, pressure, diktat are dangerous. They are responsible for the appearance of infantile and feminine behavior in a teenager.
Get married - only for love! Some women are obsessed with their looks and do anything to please their husbands. And some stop caring for themselves, focusing entirely on the family, on the children. Maybe in general a woman behaves so "badly" that her man simply loses interest in intimate life?
- A lot depends on a woman, both in a positive and negative sense. For example, you can appear before your husband in messy clothes, blame him for sexual failure (even if, if you think about it, it's actually not his failure, but his), notsupport him, but humiliate him and "finish off" with words and all your behavior, and here is the result: he wants nothing! Therefore, to young women who come to me, I constantly say: "Marry for love, respect your man, praise him - and he will move mountains for you! "A well-groomed appearance, a good physical shape, a perfume, a toilet are always a plus. But the panic obsession of some women for their appearance is already a problem of self-esteem and relationships with others. After all, if people are only attracted to each other by their bodies, that's a "neutered" version of human love. There must be a desire of souls, people must be interested together not only in bed, but also outside of it.
These "terrible" businesswomen. Does it happen that a socially successful woman does not attract, but frightens a man? After all, where do the armies of beautiful, smart, successful women who suffer from loneliness come from? Why do men avoid them?
- It's not about success, it's about role models. If a woman in a competitive environment begins to use male role models - for example, she becomes assertive, tough, and this is sometimes necessary in a competitive environment, then masculine or, more simply, "brave" men don't likenot that. Feminine - more "feminine" (these are the so-called "sissy"), such a pattern can look attractive, because they are accustomed to obey.
Take care of the men! If a woman is ready to fight for her man, for family happiness, how should she behave when her husband has problems in bed?
At the very least, you should let him sleep. Completely stop all criticism - even that which a woman may consider constructive. Ask forgiveness for past wrongs. Saying she doesn't need sex for at least a week. It's time to get to know each other better. And in this context - daily relaxing massages with oils. And you have to do them one by one. If there is no positive dynamics against this background, you should definitely consult a sex therapist, who can find hidden medical and psychological reasons for the situation. It is important to explain to the man that there will be no search for "guilty" and "sick" at reception. Meetings with a doctor are necessary to improve the quality of your sex life - and it is possible!
Is there an example from your practice where a woman has helped a man gain self-confidence - in every way?
- I'm going to tell you about the wife of my recent patient. His behavior is amazing! I was approached by an entrepreneur who had suffered greatly from the new conditionseconomic. Many problems fell on him, and in the midst of stress, a decrease in attraction to his wife began. But most of all, he worried about how he would tell her that maybe soon he could completely lose his business and they would be left with no money and big debts. . . But his wife was used to a high standard of living. . . I advised him to tell him everything. If not a close person, then who will support us in difficult times? And my intuition did not fail me. At the next appointment, the patient reported that his wife listened to him and said, "It's okay, if that happens, I'll go to work too. And anyway, I fell in love with you when you were a poor student. I love you now and I always will, no matter what. From these words alone, the man had strength, the panic subsided, and his business improved - in every way. On the last date, he said to me, "I will never leave my wife - I will remember this day all my life! " I think this woman deserves his love. And I'm calm for their relationship. I want people to love each other more, to appreciate each other, to respect each other, to support each other. And that these were not words, but deeds.